Club Guide #7

Weeeeeeee!

Welcome to this weeks club reviews. I want to thank “St Bishop for helping me take notes. We laughed. We cried. OK. Mostly I cried tears of drunken disappointment. Not really tears as much as frustrated eye sweat.

Might as well get right to it.

Club Nightfire & Mall (A)

Well Hooooollllyyyy Shit! Another blood-red club infused with…wait for it…wait for it…EVIL! Yes. I said evil. O-M-G! I am so scared. Someone please call an exorcist. Call a taxi. Call…ahh who the fuck cares. This is so lame.

Bah!

It is jam-packed full of people. They said “Hi” when I first came in but a lot of places just say this. Give us something more than a “hi”.  The club is a small skybox covered in cheap ass gif-tastic textures. Meh. For a club that claims to be “evil” I could get more “Satan Loves Me This I Know!” by shopping at fucking Wal-Mart. (Three cases of water for five dollars? Holy shit! That’s brutal!)

I just have one thing to say about the shopping surrounding your dance floor. I am not interested in buying your slut ass boots that are only good for stepping on someones balls.

If you are settling by hanging out with a gang of people at a place like this then you are one sad little avatar.

Rumurrz (A)

If you don’t have directions to your club & I am not standing in right in front of the door then we have an issue. Where the hell are the stairs? Are they on this side? No..other side. Found them! Go me! Oh…wait…now I see a teleport sign I could have used. DAMN IT! Nevermind.

It’s extremely quiet in here. Yes there are people dancing but its super quiet. If I was to yell “Boo” someone might fall over dead. Must not do that. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Someone said “Hello”. Why hello to you too! And…that’s about it for any speaking from the crowd. My god it’s quiet.

I do have a plus side to this club. I like the dance floor. Weird but true. The club itself might be surrounded by stores outside but inside it’s pretty gosh darn nice. The place is bare without being void of decor. Simple with hardwood floors & flowing water. I actually really dig it. For all of my bitching I do have to say that the dance floor does not suck ass.

The flowing water is funky. There are two cave like openings on both sides of the stage. A small river connecting them. Now..in the water you will find a ball that will rez a swim pose  ball for you to use. When I hit the ball it couldn’t rez anything & told me to check to see if the parcel is full. Well…that didn’t work now did it? When entering the cave I noticed that you could swim completely around & back out. I know this probably sounds really confusing. It’s different. Bonus for creativity.

Ooo...Cave-y!

As for the conversation…it’s noexistant between patrons.

Quick Club Sound Off Of The Week

  • “Cum As You Are” events are sheer lazy event planning. L-A-Z-Y! As for spelling “Come” as “Cum”…we get it. WE GET IT!
  • If you are holding a 50/60s sock hop then try to actually play music from the 50/60s. If you are a club where you have decor & ambiance that actually fits that decade then this is doubly sad. Add the clothing your host/hostess/DJ wears to fit a leather sci-fi movie rather than a sock hop & you’re not having the event you advertised.

Quick Shout Out

I want to give a quick shout out to how nice my visit was to a place called Club Boundless. They are a new club that was empty except for myself & the person running the event. I can’t exactly write about how the club is or how the event was because there was just the two of us. What I can do is give them a shout out because I had an absolutely wonderful conversation while I was there. Thank you!

Have fun club hopping this weekend!

“Tipsy” Cerulean

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